Honestly, when we first started to work on making blogs for this class, I never really thought about what it was I was going to blog on. My life at that point in time was very hazy and I was lost more often then not. I felt at a standstill in what ever it was I did in life, and I thought that nothing would every change.
But then I started writing. And writing. And writing again and again until I found myself asking questions I didn't know the answers to. Answers I wanted to find, ones that felt as if they had been hidden for a very long time. And yet it was as if I knew the answer all along, I just didn't look hard enough.
It's funny really how things can change just like that. I started with nothing and ended up making something after all. This blog was really therapeutic in the long run, and I guess that's why writing is my hidden talent. I never really understood what writing would do for me in the aspects as a major, but I now have an understanding of how writing can be good for the soul, in lack of better terms.
And with that, this chapter of my life is drawing to it's end, as with this blog. I feel as if I have finally reached a profound truth in my life, and that is really all I was looking for. Rather than keep myself trapped in the pages of a digital journal, I'm going to try and be a better person in real life so that I can start my long road to recovery.
But for now, I want to get some things off my chest before I go, certain things I have come to realize in the past few weeks.
"23 things I have come to understand."
1. I exist.
2. I am always repeating words and using cheesy lines more often than I want to.
3. I have a mental sickness that has no cure and I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life.
4. I will become a better person, just one step at a time.
5. I will always have days where I will hate myself and everything I've done.
6. My life is not over and I will always have more things happen.
7. Friends come and go like water and wine, but savor the moments you shared.
8. Always change.
9. It is hard for me to sometimes get a thought out.
10. I do not know enough about having healthy relationships.
11. Thinking is good, but stop over thinking things.
12. I know that I may not find my worthy cause until I am old and grey.
13. I regret that I could have spent my youth better.
14. I should not hold myself accountable for not knowing everything.
15. Katawa Shoujo is the only game to ever make me cry.
16. We all have disabilities; some aren't as visible as others.
17. The smallest choices can have the greatest outcomes, for better or worse.
18. Romance can happen at any given time. Patience pays off.
19. I have to learn to let go.
20. No one needs a white knight; we just need someone there to help us stand up.
21. I admit that I can get obsessive over certain things.
22. I feel emotional sometimes; it reminds me that I'm still human.
23. Life is always a journey of moving forward; sometimes you're alone or sometimes you're not. Just keep moving.
I don't normally get cheesy like this, but I'm trying to open up more. All this talk about becoming a better person is rather annoying now that I think about it. Rather, I should just be what I want to be.
Me.
And that's all there is to it.
To whatever may
come this way;
good night
and good luck.
~Cameron
Monday, March 5, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
My other self
Dear Cameron,
At the age of 23 and almost ready to graduate (hopefully) from college. It's funny really, but I think both of us didn't expect it to turn out this way, let alone that we've survived the ride. To be honest, your lopsidedness is only countered by your "dumb luck" so much so that everything you do in the past has somehow worked out in your future, though they may be small in some instances.
Now that you are about to embark on the first real step into your life, we must take a moment to look over how you got to where you are today...
Born to a mother and father who fought over creating you, you entered this world running hard out the gate. When you were three, your parents divorced and set about the motions that would bend the wills of your brothers and your mother.
Raised by a single parent, your mother did everything she could to provide you with the best you could get, even if it meant that she would have to clean houses everyday for years. It was hard on her, but she didn't care, and you knew. You gave her trouble and hard times, but you knew that she was a great mother and wouldn't trade her away. The only fear you have, however, is that one day you will have to bury her, even if you have to do it alone.
Your brothers are your kin by blood, despite that you have no way of connecting to them beyond the level of friends.
Your eldest struck out on his own and became a fine man to be proud of, even if you don't know why his wife dislikes you. But you don't care. You still treat them both as family, and that is all that matters. Even if he can be a bit above your head sometimes, you still know he cares and is the most fatherly type of man you have ever met.
Your middle brother was the strong one. One who would have the strength to move mountains, but yet not able to move his heart. You felt sadness at not being able to help him, even if all you did was annoy him. Even as he evolved into a mature adult, you can still feel his youthful energy, even though he acts tough. He is one of the most misunderstood people, besides yourself, that you have ever known.
Normally, I would cut this letter off here, but we both know that you are trying to dodge the problem that you have trouble accepting, and it would be better if we talked about it now.
I know that you have a dislike of your father, and I can only describe it as gently as such. I know he may not have been the best father; attempting to goad you, bad-mouthing your mother in front of you, and not really trying to understand how you feel. We both remember the fiasco you had at your cousin's wedding and how it showed that neither of you know anything about each other.
But what you need to understand is that you never opened up to your father because you would never talk to him about this. I understand that this is difficult to do, but he is your father, and you can't ignore him for the rest of life. If you learn to express yourself more, perhaps you two could have had a better relationship, instead of what it is today. I know that deep down you really don't hate your father, but that you are disappointed at the way how things turned out. Just try taking a step sometime.
But what really made you what you are today is what you yourself have done to become what you are. You've come a long way from watching Saturday morning cartoons and playing superhero; to watching anime and reading manga because it's easier for you forget yourself and become the character in junior high; becoming involved in the Big Brother Big Sister program and meeting Larry and eventually Paul and how they helped you when you needed a friend despite the fact that you can barely remember them and it makes you sad.
To going through your teen years alone and your multiple attempts at a silent suicide and suffering beyond your breaking point; to your recovery period and your transition to being the class clown in high school, even if you were just a ghost; to you graduating high school and seeing everyone there to congratulate you, swelling your chest with pride even though you would never admit; to the hectic days of working at customer service kiosk at Safeway, and you still having PTSD nightmares to this day; to when you went to community college and met Kelsey, despite all that happened between you two for all of six months.
To the day you couldn't decide on what you wanted to do after and decided to go to Western on a whim; to the day you and Mom sat there an hour before graduation ceremonies and you had to hold back your laughter at explaining to her how to work the camera, even though she failed to get a picture of you; to you first moving into the dorms and meeting Matt, your stalwart companion, your Luigi to your Mario; to how you met Sahara and how now you regret the fact that you learned too late that she was the perfect girl for you; someone who was there; to how you have already spent two years with Matt, and eventually lost him due to what you thought was your age difference, but realizing that you already knew that the time you were to be together was over; to where you finally found a solid group of friends that you can hang out with, even if it's only at dinnertime.
To where you are now, fighting to hold back tears as you read this letter piece by piece realizing that you actually feel a moment of peace now that your life can truly start moving forward to what you want to become: a man who can stand on his own two feet, even if he won't admit to needed a prop sometimes. A man who still secretly enjoys anime and manga, even though it's an obvious fact among the family. A man who will have to admit that love does happen to everyone, despite how cheesy it is and that he'll probably wait until after college for it to happen. A man who has strange thought process that works for him regardless of whatever the norm may be. A man who feels naked without a coat on.
A man who must admit that he is never going to complete his life's journey by the age of 23.
A man who will admit that he enjoys both the light, and the darkness.
A man, who I can feel proud to know.
A man I can call...
Me.
Everyone needs someone to believe in them, even if it is themselves.
Cameron, I love you and I hope you have the best possible life you can have. Even if you still think you're living on borrowed time.
Cameron
P.S. Stop being such a lone wolf. You know damn well you enjoy other people's company.
P.S.S. Talk to Kacie.
At the age of 23 and almost ready to graduate (hopefully) from college. It's funny really, but I think both of us didn't expect it to turn out this way, let alone that we've survived the ride. To be honest, your lopsidedness is only countered by your "dumb luck" so much so that everything you do in the past has somehow worked out in your future, though they may be small in some instances.
Now that you are about to embark on the first real step into your life, we must take a moment to look over how you got to where you are today...
Born to a mother and father who fought over creating you, you entered this world running hard out the gate. When you were three, your parents divorced and set about the motions that would bend the wills of your brothers and your mother.
Raised by a single parent, your mother did everything she could to provide you with the best you could get, even if it meant that she would have to clean houses everyday for years. It was hard on her, but she didn't care, and you knew. You gave her trouble and hard times, but you knew that she was a great mother and wouldn't trade her away. The only fear you have, however, is that one day you will have to bury her, even if you have to do it alone.
Your brothers are your kin by blood, despite that you have no way of connecting to them beyond the level of friends.
Your eldest struck out on his own and became a fine man to be proud of, even if you don't know why his wife dislikes you. But you don't care. You still treat them both as family, and that is all that matters. Even if he can be a bit above your head sometimes, you still know he cares and is the most fatherly type of man you have ever met.
Your middle brother was the strong one. One who would have the strength to move mountains, but yet not able to move his heart. You felt sadness at not being able to help him, even if all you did was annoy him. Even as he evolved into a mature adult, you can still feel his youthful energy, even though he acts tough. He is one of the most misunderstood people, besides yourself, that you have ever known.
Normally, I would cut this letter off here, but we both know that you are trying to dodge the problem that you have trouble accepting, and it would be better if we talked about it now.
I know that you have a dislike of your father, and I can only describe it as gently as such. I know he may not have been the best father; attempting to goad you, bad-mouthing your mother in front of you, and not really trying to understand how you feel. We both remember the fiasco you had at your cousin's wedding and how it showed that neither of you know anything about each other.
But what you need to understand is that you never opened up to your father because you would never talk to him about this. I understand that this is difficult to do, but he is your father, and you can't ignore him for the rest of life. If you learn to express yourself more, perhaps you two could have had a better relationship, instead of what it is today. I know that deep down you really don't hate your father, but that you are disappointed at the way how things turned out. Just try taking a step sometime.
But what really made you what you are today is what you yourself have done to become what you are. You've come a long way from watching Saturday morning cartoons and playing superhero; to watching anime and reading manga because it's easier for you forget yourself and become the character in junior high; becoming involved in the Big Brother Big Sister program and meeting Larry and eventually Paul and how they helped you when you needed a friend despite the fact that you can barely remember them and it makes you sad.
To going through your teen years alone and your multiple attempts at a silent suicide and suffering beyond your breaking point; to your recovery period and your transition to being the class clown in high school, even if you were just a ghost; to you graduating high school and seeing everyone there to congratulate you, swelling your chest with pride even though you would never admit; to the hectic days of working at customer service kiosk at Safeway, and you still having PTSD nightmares to this day; to when you went to community college and met Kelsey, despite all that happened between you two for all of six months.
To the day you couldn't decide on what you wanted to do after and decided to go to Western on a whim; to the day you and Mom sat there an hour before graduation ceremonies and you had to hold back your laughter at explaining to her how to work the camera, even though she failed to get a picture of you; to you first moving into the dorms and meeting Matt, your stalwart companion, your Luigi to your Mario; to how you met Sahara and how now you regret the fact that you learned too late that she was the perfect girl for you; someone who was there; to how you have already spent two years with Matt, and eventually lost him due to what you thought was your age difference, but realizing that you already knew that the time you were to be together was over; to where you finally found a solid group of friends that you can hang out with, even if it's only at dinnertime.
To where you are now, fighting to hold back tears as you read this letter piece by piece realizing that you actually feel a moment of peace now that your life can truly start moving forward to what you want to become: a man who can stand on his own two feet, even if he won't admit to needed a prop sometimes. A man who still secretly enjoys anime and manga, even though it's an obvious fact among the family. A man who will have to admit that love does happen to everyone, despite how cheesy it is and that he'll probably wait until after college for it to happen. A man who has strange thought process that works for him regardless of whatever the norm may be. A man who feels naked without a coat on.
A man who must admit that he is never going to complete his life's journey by the age of 23.
A man who will admit that he enjoys both the light, and the darkness.
A man, who I can feel proud to know.
A man I can call...
Me.
Everyone needs someone to believe in them, even if it is themselves.
Cameron, I love you and I hope you have the best possible life you can have. Even if you still think you're living on borrowed time.
Cameron
P.S. Stop being such a lone wolf. You know damn well you enjoy other people's company.
P.S.S. Talk to Kacie.
Monday, February 27, 2012
I ain't dead yet
I keep telling myself that more or less as a running joke among myself and people I know, but really it's a reminder to myself to keep pushing towards tomorrow.
That and to counterbalance the negativity I constantly push onto myself when I get depressed. I try to fight it, but sometimes it's just a little too much for me and I end up in a downward spiral where I don't feel like doing anything anymore because "What's the point?" is usually what I say.
But I think I should stop allowing myself to dwell on the negative side of life, because I can at least prove to myself that I have one solid positive in my life.
I have friends!
And really that's all one needs. This weekend was a welcome relief from a bad week overall. To be honest, I didn't have time to make a post on Saturday because I was way too busy having fun for once. My group of friends are a bunch of crazy and wacky guys I met at dinnertime at the VC because I was friends with one of them. After I joined the group, I just seemed to meld in with everyone and we always shoot the breeze on topics and crack jokes at each others expense because that's what we do best.
I never really thought about how well we mesh together, and yet when we hung out this weekend, it felt natural to me. Being part of a group has it's benefits, but when you all get along well, it makes it even more fun to be with them. And I'm glad.
Now that I've come to this realization, I think I'll be okay for now. I may not know much, but at least I know one good thing.
I am never alone. (Or as Yggdra Union said it best; "We'll never fight alone.")
Now if I could just get a girlfriend...Ha ha ha ha!
That and to counterbalance the negativity I constantly push onto myself when I get depressed. I try to fight it, but sometimes it's just a little too much for me and I end up in a downward spiral where I don't feel like doing anything anymore because "What's the point?" is usually what I say.
 | ||
| Do not disturb the dark side. |
But I think I should stop allowing myself to dwell on the negative side of life, because I can at least prove to myself that I have one solid positive in my life.
I have friends!
And really that's all one needs. This weekend was a welcome relief from a bad week overall. To be honest, I didn't have time to make a post on Saturday because I was way too busy having fun for once. My group of friends are a bunch of crazy and wacky guys I met at dinnertime at the VC because I was friends with one of them. After I joined the group, I just seemed to meld in with everyone and we always shoot the breeze on topics and crack jokes at each others expense because that's what we do best.
 |
| How most guy conversations are. |
I never really thought about how well we mesh together, and yet when we hung out this weekend, it felt natural to me. Being part of a group has it's benefits, but when you all get along well, it makes it even more fun to be with them. And I'm glad.
Now that I've come to this realization, I think I'll be okay for now. I may not know much, but at least I know one good thing.
I am never alone. (Or as Yggdra Union said it best; "We'll never fight alone.")
Now if I could just get a girlfriend...Ha ha ha ha!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
High standards set up low goals
Bleh.
That's basically what I feel like right now.
No energy, no emotion. Just....
Stagnant.
I guess it has to do with how I'm disappointed with how things turned out. My most current train of thought is that I could have done better with my life so far, even though I'm 23. I mean, I have no idea what I am going to do once I graduate. I mean, why did I even go to Western in the first place?
I remember community college, and that was fun and I got a degree that showed I was at least an average student. But I wanted to go to a university. And I don't know why I picked Western. All of the schools in Washington and I picked a good school for no reason.
"Everyone should get an education."
Great idea, but what am I supposed to do with a piece of paper that says my major and how much debt I accrued? Sure, it makes a nice wall piece, but what am I supposed to to with it after that? What's the point? You can argue that I'm over-analyzing things, but I don't care if that's true. I need answers that aren't there and frankly, I can't keep looking towards tomorrow when everything is the same as yesterday.
My head is full of too may cliches to make a valid point here...
Run program file /Life.exe
...
...
...Loaded
ERROR!
Life.exe missing valid files. Proper function of Life.exe not possible.
....
Missing files required:
Sense
...
File "Reasoning" is corrupted.
Unable to execute command.
....
Program Life.exe is unable to continue.
Program shutting down.
At least the joke made sense in my head. Much like all of my jokes.
And here I thought I could be something, or at least figure out what. But I guess I can't even do that.
No kit-kat can help me here.
(Just stare at the keyboard until the words start to type themselves.)
I really should go to bed.
At least that's what I would say.
But I'm just sitting here staring at the screen.
I yield.
That's basically what I feel like right now.
No energy, no emotion. Just....
Stagnant.
I guess it has to do with how I'm disappointed with how things turned out. My most current train of thought is that I could have done better with my life so far, even though I'm 23. I mean, I have no idea what I am going to do once I graduate. I mean, why did I even go to Western in the first place?
I remember community college, and that was fun and I got a degree that showed I was at least an average student. But I wanted to go to a university. And I don't know why I picked Western. All of the schools in Washington and I picked a good school for no reason.
 | |
| The wonders of the Internet made this possible. |
"Everyone should get an education."
Great idea, but what am I supposed to do with a piece of paper that says my major and how much debt I accrued? Sure, it makes a nice wall piece, but what am I supposed to to with it after that? What's the point? You can argue that I'm over-analyzing things, but I don't care if that's true. I need answers that aren't there and frankly, I can't keep looking towards tomorrow when everything is the same as yesterday.
My head is full of too may cliches to make a valid point here...
Run program file /Life.exe
...
...
...Loaded
ERROR!
Life.exe missing valid files. Proper function of Life.exe not possible.
....
Missing files required:
Sense
...
File "Reasoning" is corrupted.
Unable to execute command.
....
Program Life.exe is unable to continue.
Program shutting down.
At least the joke made sense in my head. Much like all of my jokes.
And here I thought I could be something, or at least figure out what. But I guess I can't even do that.
No kit-kat can help me here.
(Just stare at the keyboard until the words start to type themselves.)
I really should go to bed.
At least that's what I would say.
But I'm just sitting here staring at the screen.
I yield.
Monday, February 20, 2012
I lack the drive anymore
To write. To think. To live.
I am in another downward depression spiral right now. Which is why I am late with my post. Honestly, I get like this a lot and it's almost second nature to me really. I think negatively about my life, and I tend to agree with it because I'm such a great debater with myself. Logic reasoning up in this house!
But yeah, I hate being depressed, but it's my major life's struggle. And quite frankly, this battle is one that I might be losing. I tend to over think things, but it's hard when all the evidence points to one continuous answer.
Zero.
I hate it when I am repetitive in my thought process, but it's all I know. At least I can make haikus.
I want to exist
But I find little reason
As to why I should.
I had the worst day
One where I needed you then
But you weren't there.
I am in another downward depression spiral right now. Which is why I am late with my post. Honestly, I get like this a lot and it's almost second nature to me really. I think negatively about my life, and I tend to agree with it because I'm such a great debater with myself. Logic reasoning up in this house!
But yeah, I hate being depressed, but it's my major life's struggle. And quite frankly, this battle is one that I might be losing. I tend to over think things, but it's hard when all the evidence points to one continuous answer.
Zero.
I hate it when I am repetitive in my thought process, but it's all I know. At least I can make haikus.
I want to exist
But I find little reason
As to why I should.
I had the worst day
One where I needed you then
But you weren't there.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Trying to get over a cold here
Sorry, but the lack of energy and properly functioning brain leads me to sleeping more often than I want to.
I'll be back later.
I'll be back later.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Another Lazy Saturday
Eh, I'm out of it again. Here are some funny pictures to tide you over until next week.
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