While getting ready to drive back home Sunday afternoon, I wanted to stop by the family graves. It's funny really, but I didn't know why. They belong to my Mother's mother, her grandmother, her grandfather, and her Uncle. We went up north to visit my Aunt Sue, we would always stop by and pay a visit.
Maybe it's like Pavlov and his dogs; every time I'm in Mount Vernon, I have to stop by and plant flowers. It's funny really, but I know nothing of these people. Grandma Donna died when I was very young, Great Grandpa George died before I was born, Great Grandma Dorthea died back in the 2000's of Alzheimer's and Uncle George died September 2010. Sure, they were extended family, but I could never really...see them as family. They were more my Mother's family than my own. I guess that makes me a bad kid.
Well, we all do that when we were younger I suppose, but my family isn't that well connected, for lack of a better term. My parents split when I was two, so I really had no choice in the matter. My brothers seemed to turn out OK, but Mom still thinks they blame her for the divorce. Frankly, both sides are to blame, but there was never anything I could do about it.
Growing up was pretty tough. Mom did her best to raise three boys on her own, but it was never easy. I remember times when Danny and Andy would get in trouble, or there would be a big argument between them and Mom. And then there was me, the baby. I'll admit that I might have been coddled since I was the youngest, but it never really bothered me. Nothing usually does these days.
Thinking about it now makes me feel kind of sad. I had a pretty messed up life growing up, what with being home alone and having no friends. Kids can be cruel even into adulthood, and that's an excuse I tell myself. I wonder what else I tell myself in my head. More thoughts about self-doubt and how to evade it?
No, I don't want to get into yet. That's a little too deep in the rabbit hole for now. Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe...
yes, family is a strange thing. i don't have much in common with my mom's side of the family, and that's ok. family is just blood and people are still just people even if you are related to them. it doesn't really mean anything.
ReplyDeleteNow that I have three little boys in my life I feel like I understand the dynamic a bit more. They're being raised by my entire family, but we still worry that we're messing them up for good.
ReplyDeleteFamily is a funny thing, isn't it? I find it inspiring that you pay your respects to those you weren't close with, because they're still a chapter in your family story.
Kacie
I don't think not feeling connected to your mom's family makes you a bad kid. I'm relatively close with my mom's side of the family, but I haven't seen or talked to anyone on my dad's side in...years. More than a decade. I don't even know how many sisters my dad has.
ReplyDeleteFamily, to a certain extent, is about the people you choose to include in your life.
Thanks for sharing this Cameron. Your honesty about family and the past is compelling. I agree with Kacie that there's something so tender in the image of you placing flowers on the graves of people you're both connected and disconnected with. Connection/disconnection: a powerful theme to explore!
ReplyDeleteIt would be cool to see some pictures!