I ain't dead yet

I keep telling myself that more or less as a running joke among myself and people I know, but really it's a reminder to myself to keep pushing towards tomorrow.

That and to counterbalance the negativity I constantly push onto myself when I get depressed. I try to fight it, but sometimes it's just a little too much for me and I end up in a downward spiral where I don't feel like doing anything anymore because "What's the point?" is usually what I say.

Do not disturb the dark side.

But I think I should stop allowing myself to dwell on the negative side of life, because I can at least prove to myself that I have one solid positive in my life.

I have friends!

And really that's all one needs. This weekend was a welcome relief from a bad week overall. To be honest, I didn't have time to make a post on Saturday because I was way too busy having fun for once. My group of friends are a bunch of crazy and wacky guys I met at dinnertime at the VC because I was friends with one of them. After I joined the group, I just seemed to meld in with everyone and we always shoot the breeze on topics and crack jokes at each others expense because that's what we do best.

How most guy conversations are.

I never really thought about how well we mesh together, and yet when we hung out this weekend, it felt natural to me. Being part of a group has it's benefits, but when you all get along well, it makes it even more fun to be with them. And I'm glad.

Now that I've come to this realization, I think I'll be okay for now. I may not know much, but at least I know one good thing.

I am never alone. (Or as Yggdra Union said it best; "We'll never fight alone.")

Now if I could just get a girlfriend...Ha ha ha ha!

High standards set up low goals

Bleh.

That's basically what I feel like right now.

No energy, no emotion. Just....

Stagnant.

I guess it has to do with how I'm disappointed with how things turned out. My most current train of thought is that I could have done better with my life so far, even though I'm 23. I mean, I have no idea what I am going to do once I graduate. I mean, why did I even go to Western in the first place?

I remember community college, and that was fun and I got a degree that showed I was at least an average student. But I wanted to go to a university. And I don't know why I picked Western. All of the schools in Washington and I picked a good school for no reason.

The wonders of the Internet made this possible.

"Everyone should get an education."

Great idea, but what am I supposed to do with a piece of paper that says my major and how much debt I accrued? Sure, it makes a nice wall piece, but what am I supposed to to with it after that? What's the point? You can argue that I'm over-analyzing things, but I don't care if that's true. I need answers that aren't there and frankly, I can't keep looking towards tomorrow when everything is the same as yesterday.

My head is full of too may cliches to make a valid point here...

Run program file /Life.exe
...
...
...Loaded
ERROR!
Life.exe missing valid files. Proper function of Life.exe not possible.
....
Missing files required:
Sense
...
File "Reasoning" is corrupted.
Unable to execute command.
....
Program Life.exe is unable to continue.
Program shutting down.

At least the joke made sense in my head. Much like all of my jokes.

And here I thought I could be something, or at least figure out what. But I guess I can't even do that.

No kit-kat can help me here.

(Just stare at the keyboard until the words start to type themselves.)

I really should go to bed.
At least that's what I would say.
But I'm just sitting here staring at the screen.


I yield.

I lack the drive anymore

To write. To think. To live.

I am in another downward depression spiral right now. Which is why I am late with my post. Honestly, I get like this a lot and it's almost second nature to me really. I think negatively about my life, and I tend to agree with it because I'm such a great debater with myself. Logic reasoning up in this house!

But yeah, I hate being depressed, but it's my major life's struggle. And quite frankly, this battle is one that I might be losing. I tend to over think things, but it's hard when all the evidence points to one continuous answer.

Zero.

I hate it when I am repetitive in my thought process, but it's all I know. At least I can make haikus.

I want to exist
But I find little reason
As to why I should.

I had the worst day
One where I needed you then
But you weren't there.

Trying to get over a cold here

Sorry, but the lack of energy and properly functioning brain leads me to sleeping more often than I want to.

I'll be back later.

Another Lazy Saturday

Eh, I'm out of it again. Here are some funny pictures to tide you over until next week.

The many sides of mania

I'm going to tell you the story of the "Magical Stone Soup."

Three soldiers were going on an expedition when they came across a village. They were running low on food and asked the villagers if they had any food to spare. No one had enough to share, only enough to provide for themselves. Finally at the end of the day, the three soldiers hadn't gotten any food and decided to try again tomorrow. But one soldier got an idea and told the others to gather up everyone in the village and tell them to bring their food. He said that he was going to look for a giant pot. Confused, his soldier friends had no other option but to do what they were asked.


When the two soldiers had gathered everyone in the village square, the first soldier had come back with a giant pot. He gathered everyone around him and spoke to the crowd. "I have with me a magical stone that allows us to create a magical soup that can feed everyone in the village for a whole year! All it requires are some ingredients from each of you." One person stepped forward and added his food to the pot, then another and another and soon everyone had placed their food into the pot along with the soldier's magic rock. When the soup was finished, there was enough of the soup to go around to feed everyone and the soldiers for a full year, just like he said. A grand feast was held and everyone enjoyed the soup they had made. The next day, the soldiers left with full bellies and some extra soup to bring along with them.

They then had a debate with the Aztecs over what crackers to use.

I remember hearing this story as a child, and now that I reflect back on it as an adult, I suppose you could make out the story as a way to make something from nothing like I stated in my previous post. But this doesn't apply to me in two ways:

1. I am not trying to teach children about communal sharing.

2. I don't like soup. Period.

However, I should take a step off my high horse and let the metaphor of the stone soup apply to me for this blog post. Like I said before, I have no sense of self, much like a child growing up in the developmental phases of life. In order to grow, a child is affected by outside stigma, such as people, animals and other things. Since I was home alone a majority of the time, I would always watch cartoons about super heroes and funny talking animals. And from this, I tried to emulate their greatness, but at the time I didn't have access to a rubber bodysuit or a special effects budget. But what I did learn from cartoons is to be the funny guy who makes people laugh. After all, the best way to make friends is to get them to laugh at your jokes.

Homer Simpson is still my childhood hero.

And yet it turns out that people weren't laughing with me, they were laughing at me. Children can be so cruel sometimes. I continued trying to be the class clown, but it wasn't working and I would continually delude myself into thinking I was funny. But underneath the caked on layers of clown make-up, I was still a sad little boy. Pathetic really, but I digress. And here I thought that laughter was the best medicine. I guess that's why my grandparents died of cancer.

Thank you Rainer.

  

So I tried my best to keep up the charade through elementary school, but by the time I got out of there, I was slowly starting to become insane and clinically depressed. It was a difficult time, as is with most children, but to compound it with the beginning of a life long battle with chronic depression made things really hectic. And so I became that awkward recluse kid in junior high. I tried to break out of my shell, but as it turns out, my mental capacity was not up to par with the other teenagers at school. I was still a child, but in a grown up body. It didn't last long, as I ended up running into some serious trouble when I was in junior high, so much so, that I might not have been able to make it out alive.

As to what happened? Well, that will have to wait until next time. In the meantime, you can all guess as to what happened in the comments down below.

Cheers,

Cameron

P.S. I know I'm not the best writer out there, but the fact that I'm writing this therapy blog is helping me figure out small things about me that I might have forgotten about me and it's good to get stuff on paper. I just wanted to thank all of you guys for following me and making comments, even though we are getting graded on this :P